happiness etc.

1) What or who was your biggest inspiration/motivation to recover?

Recovery can only begin with the will to change. However, I did not wake up one morning and say to myself, “today looks like a nice day to get started.” It was a combination of things. Initially, I asked myself the question, “Is this really all I have to offer, is this the way I want to live my life, is this who I am?” And all of us, would answer these three questions the same way..and that would be “no.” The next step is setting about change. My recovery means something different to me now then it did when I started the journey. I thought when I recovered my life would be perfect. I had this image in my head that after recovery I would feel like Charlie in the chocolate factory. I wanted to be Charlie; I wanted to live in the land of pure imagination, where as Willie Wonka said, “Living there. You’ll be free. If you truly wish to be.” Recovery has taught me that my life is now is beyond my imagination. I see and experience life in ways I never thought possible. Recovery is more than just overcoming an eating disorder. It is finding beauty everywhere in the world- including myself. It is about acceptance. Acceptance of my body and myself. It’s about accepting that life is not perfect, nobody is perfect but that’s okay. Recovery is a full range of emotions. It is taking those emotions and expressing them in a healthy manner. It is about living life to the fullest, leaving fear behind. 


2) What was the hardest obstacle you overcame in your recovery and how did you overcome it?

Ever since we were young children we are in search of something—a hobby, a passion, something that defines who we are. Indeed, for some, the extent and ability at which we practice these activities play a large role in getting us where we are today. The environment in which we surround ourselves creates one’s identity. In addition, our identity is formed by experiences we have encountered along the way. As I ask myself, “Who am I?” If you were to ask me five years ago to answer the question- who am I? My response would have been quite different then the answer I would give today. As a teenager I battled with identifying myself, however, no one pressured me into believing me that I was not good enough. I was my biggest critic. I was my own bully. Instead of defining myself as a teenage girl who loved sports, valued friendships, and loved spending time with family. I allowed the eating disorder to slowly strip away all the things I loved, and let it define me. My hardest obstacle was figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be. I overcame this obstacle by completely surrendering. I put myself out there even if I was afraid. I have found who I am and who I want to be and can happily say that I am completely confident with it. The thing I LIKE most about my personality is my kindness and compassion towards others. To me there is no better feeling then ‘Paying It Forward’. I believe that giving back is the most beautiful thing in the world. One-way I ‘Pay It Forward’ is my founding and my continued involvement in Project HEAL (Help To Eat, Accept and Live).

3) When you feel like slipping up, how do you remind yourself to keep pushing forward?

I relied heavily on my support system that always reminded me how far I came and how far I could continue to go. Also, I realized that yes; meals were tough and I would not want to eat and get anxious but that all passes. I would let myself freak out for like 5 minutes and then I would compose myself and continue to do what I had to do. I let ed take control of me for so long and there just comes a certain time where you have to say- enough’s enough. Fake it till you make it was one of my most important driving forces. I won’t lie, the recovery process sucks. The actions come far before the thinking, and for a very long time, you have to go on autopilot and listen to and trust your treatment professionals, and it is mental torture. You can’t wait for that “magic click,” that time when recovery and the recovery actions feel right, because, frankly, that time never comes. Recovery is ambivalence at best. That being said, it is so worth it in the end, and you can reach a full recovery and be totally freed of ed. It just takes work.

4) Why did you decide to start Project Heal? 

First, we have seen firsthand so many eating disorder sufferers not being able to get the treatment that they so desperately need because of insurance issues, or if they are lucky enough to get into a center, being kicked out because they are “medically stable” just when they are beginning to scrape surface on the real issues. We were really lucky because our insurance did cover most of our treatment, and our parents could thankfully afford to pay what it didn’t, but we have known so many people –often who were a lot more motivated then us – who have not being able to get the treatment that they so desperately want and need.

Second, when we returned to the “real world” after receiving treatment, we realized that the kids back at school and in our communities were really hesitant to talk about eating disorders, and when they did there were a lot of misconceptions and mis-portrayals. Often what is most disturbing to us is that there seems to be an element of glamour that is associated with anorexia amongst girls in middle and high school. And, somewhat related to this, we have realized that, not just the people we knew who had struggled with an eating disorder, but our “normal” high school friends also really struggle with body-image issues and low self-esteem, and hold themselves to unrealistic standards. And so, seeing all of this, we really felt that there was a need for increased awareness of eating disorders among teens and adolescents, especially. And we felt that, for us at least, eating disorder awareness would be a lot more powerful coming from people close to our age who had personally experienced the disorder.

Finally, we know that when we were in treatment, we really lacked hope. And the few times that we had heard stories of girls who had recovered, it sparked that hope a little bit. We really wanted to serve as a role model and mentor to girls who thought, “I can never get better” because we once were those girls who thought, “I can never get better.” A big part of Project HEAL is simply serving as a testament that full recovery from an eating disorder is possible.


5) What does the design for Project HEAL symbolize?

The logo for Project HEAL is a butterfly within a peace sign- meaning that in order to be free one must have inner peace. 

6) Currently, do you have a favorite food that you use to be afraid of?

Oh gosh! That is such a hard one!!! I have a big sweet tooth! I love dessert!!! Rainbow cookies, black and whites and ice cream!!! Can’t forget froyo too!

7) Do you believe that a full recovery is possible?

I believe in 100% full recovery! I HAVE NO THOUGHTS ABOUT FOOD, BODY, WEIGHT, ETC. I eat what I want when I want ☺

8)What triggers were the hardest for you to deal with while in recovery and what healthy ways did you cope with them?

I think the hardest trigger I struggled with was comments from other people. Whether it was from my family, friends, teachers, etc. I began to see that the comments were just out of love and concern. When someone said something to me I would take a deep breathe and either say thank you for your concern or comment back, politely. 

9) What was the most positive change in your life that came about through recovery?

Recovery has taught me that my life is now is beyond my imagination. I see and experience life in ways I never thought possible. Recovery is more than just overcoming an eating disorder. It is finding beauty everywhere in the world- including myself. It is about acceptance. Acceptance of my body and myself. It’s about accepting that life is not perfect, nobody is perfect but that’s okay. Recovery is a full range of emotions. It is taking those emotions and expressing them in a healthy manner. It is about living life to the fullest, leaving fear behind. 

My journey has shaped me and made me into the person I am today, struggles and all. We all face adversity. We all have challenges. It’s how we overcome those challenges that define who we are. We can either let it define us, destroy us, or strengthen us. When Kristina and I go around to schools or hospital programs to speak about our struggles and Project HEAL I always share this quote: “We all have skeletons in our closet, we might as well make them dance.” We can’t spend our time asking- why, why was I given this? Time will only be wasted. The question I ask my self is how- how could I make this dark cloud over me into a beautiful rainbow.

I wanted to share my story. I didn’t want my story to just be about struggling. I wanted something good to come from this. I wanted to inspire people to believe in themselves, believe in recovery and believe that there is a life outside of their eating disorder.